If you follow pop-psychology feeds on social media, it’s likely you’ve heard about attachment theory before. We’re willing to bet you’ve even identified which strategy you’re most likely to show up as in your close personal relationships.
But attachment theory isn’t all about how we connect with people - it’s also in how we attach ourselves to things, concepts, beliefs and self.
Many of us are in a state of ruminating and being hypervigilant - anxiously preoccupied about something in our lives: career, the home, the economy, the country... In this article, the first in our collection of articles on attachment strategies in everyday life, we’ll take a deeper look at anxious-preoccupied attachment and how it manifests in our everyday sense of security (no matter which attachment strategies we identify with most!). We’ll break down how our subconscious programming impacts our thoughts and beliefs in response, and what coping strategies we can put in place to help recognise, soothe and consciously adapt.
Attachment theory in just 3 sentences:
Attachment theory is a framework that suggests our earliest relationships, the bond between children and primary caregivers, has a lasting impact on the attachments we form later in life.
There are four dominant styles of attachment:
- secure,
- anxious-preoccupied,
- fearful-avoidant and
- dismissive.While we tend to favour one of these attachment styles, we can actually experience more than one attachment style in different areas of our life.
What is anxious-preoccupied attachment?
People with this attachment style tend to feel insecure and anxious in their relationships, and they may worry that their partners will abandon them or be emotionally unavailable.
This strategy is grounded in a fear of upsetting others. People with this attachment style believe they have done something wrong or will do something wrong and they need to do something to fix it.
It's important to note that these behaviours are not necessarily exclusive to people with an anxious preoccupied attachment style, and that many people may exhibit these behaviours from time to time. However, if you notice that these behaviours are consistent and causing problems in your relationship, it may be helpful to explore your attachment style and seek support from a therapist or mental health group.
What Are The 7 Most common anxious-preoccupied strategies In People:
Overanalysing other people’s actions: People with an anxious preoccupied attachment style may be hyper-vigilant to people’s actions and words, and may read into things that aren't necessarily indicative of a problem in the relationship.
Has urges and compulsions to fix perceived problems immediately so that they can get instinct relief and reassurance that everything is okay in the relationship.
Seeking constant reassurance: Someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment style may need frequent reassurance from others that they are loved and valued. They may seek this reassurance through trying very hard to please others.
Easily distracted because they react strongly to perceived threats of possible rejection. This threat is then followed by rumination that interferes with the task at hand.
Negative bias, giving more attention to negative thoughts. The anxious brain jumps to negative conclusions and gets obsessed with issues until they are resolved.
Terrified of saying ‘No’ to others and therefore struggle to set boundaries and be assertive
Fear of being alone and can be clingy or needy. This can range from relying on others to make you feel comfortable to staying in an unhealthy relationship because you don’t believe that you will cope being on your own.
What 6 areas of your life Are affected most by anxious-preoccupied attachment?
Besides relationships, you can experience anxious-preoccupied attachment in any area of your life where you connect with something or someone, including:
Finances - you might become scared of spending and very aware of costs without looking at the facts, or this might be preoccupation with time, worrying that you didn’t start saving early enough.
Career - a fear of being negatively assessed, and obsession with showing that you are working hard.
Health/Beauty/Aging - obsessively exercising, controlling what you are eating instead of listening to what your body needs, fear of illness/obsessively looking up symptoms.
Parenting - helicopter parenting, being very overprotective or feeling that there might be something wrong with your child if you don’t intervene.
Fertility - obsession about timelines, fear of time running out.
Home - A sense of fomo with not being a homeowner.
The reason why there is a connection between our attachment strategies and these areas is because they also symbolize security (just like intimate relationships).
Beat Anxiety in 5 Steps: Adaptive coping techniques for anxious-preoccupation
Dealing with an anxious preoccupied attachment style can be challenging, but with some practical strategies, it is possible to break free from this pattern of behaviour. Here are five steps to help you manage your anxious preoccupied attachment strategy:
Step 1: Practice self-honesty. Take an honest look at your behavior and recognise the specific patterns you tend to rely on. This is an essential step towards changing your attachment style.
Step 2: Practice self-compassion. It's important to be kind to yourself during this process. Shaming yourself will only make it harder to break free from your patterns of behavior.
Step 3: Feel your feelings. Acknowledge your feelings and try to understand what's driving your behavior. Reflect on what you are believing about the situation, and allow yourself to sit with the discomfort.
Step 4: Calm your nervous system. Anxious preoccupied attachment style can trigger a fight-or-flight response. To break free from this pattern of behavior, you need to calm your nervous system. Positive self-talk and peer support are great ways to help you achieve this.
The best calming strategies include positive self talk and peer support.
In terms of self-talk, it may sound something like “Let’s wait and see what happens” or “Everything will be O.K.” Reminding yourself “I’m enough” or “I’m sufficient” can also calm you down.
If you still feel agitated, you may need to ask for support to get clear headed enough to move forward. Reaching out to someone who is not involved can give you an objective perspective about the situation and this person can even hold you accountable so that you don’t repeat your usual patterns.
Step 5: Set boundaries. Setting boundaries with yourself is an essential step in breaking free from an anxious preoccupied attachment style. Commit to not engaging in behavior that triggers your anxiety, and find techniques to replace the harmful obsessive behavior.
Remember, breaking free from an anxious preoccupied attachment style is a journey, and it takes time and effort. However, by following these steps, you can start to change your patterns of behavior.
In this journey, we can’t emphasise the benefits of peer support enough. It’s the foundation of the supportive space we’ve built at MORE.
Each week, we get together as a community to discuss some of the common experiences that impact our mental wellbeing. We practice mind-body techniques, which allow us to tap into our inner worlds, explore our subconscious and self regulate our anxious responses. These techniques include:
Letting go of anxiety meditation
Meeting our wise guide to tap into our intuition
Autogenic training for deep rest
These are just a few of the techniques that we practice and discuss as a community at More Mental Health. Sign up to join and experience the benefits of a supportive community and daily practices to enhance your wellbeing.