Attachment theory is about so much more than how we relate to the people in our lives. Because we don’t just attach to people but things. Our work, our home, our experiences.... So even if you might have a secure attachment style to the people in your life, you might have experiences rooted in your subconscious that result in anxious-avoidant attachment in other areas of your life.
In this article, the second in our series on attachment strategies, we'll take a closer look at anxious-avoidant attachment and the underlying factors that contribute to this pattern. We'll delve into the ways our early life experiences and unconscious beliefs shape our attachment styles, and provide actionable tips to help us cultivate more secure and fulfilling connections in all aspects of our lives.
Through a deeper understanding of anxious-avoidant attachment, we can gain greater insight into our own patterns and tendencies, and make meaningful changes that promote greater well-being and fulfillment.
Attachment theory in just 3 sentences:
Attachment theory is a framework that suggests our earliest relationships, the bond between children and primary caregivers, has a lasting impact on the attachments we form later in life.
There are four dominant styles of attachment:
- secure,
- anxious-preoccupied,
- fearful-avoidant and
- dismissive.While we tend to favour one of these attachment styles, we can actually experience more than one attachment style in different areas of our life.
What is anxious-AVOIDANT attachment?
If you’ve experienced anxious avoidant attachment in any area of your life, chances are, you’ve felt overwhelmed. That’s because of deep-seated fears, and a resultant sense of powerlessness in addressing them. With this attachment strategy, it’s common to struggle to manage mounting workloads and social interactions. Think: avoiding replying to the ever-pinging Whatsapps as they light up your phone. It’s a feeling of being stuck - frozen in fear and uncertainty. And unlike those with anxious attachment style, ou might lack the confidence to effectively manage your fears and anxieties.
WHAT are some common anxious-avoidant strategies?
1. Emotional withdrawal: Anxious-avoidant individuals may withdraw emotionally from others or avoid situations that trigger anxiety or stress.
2. Push-pull behavior: They may engage in push-pull behavior, which involves alternating between being close and distant with others.
3. Control: Anxious-avoidant individuals may try to control their environment or others as a way of managing their anxiety.
4. Emotional distance: They may keep their emotions at arm's length and avoid sharing their feelings with others.
5. Seeking perfection: Avoidant individuals may set unrealistically high standards for themselves as a way to avoid vulnerability and the risk of failure.
6. Isolation: They may prefer to be alone rather than risk getting hurt or rejected by others.
7. Procrastination: Avoidance of tasks or responsibilities often leads to procrastination as it creates a cycle of delaying action, which can result in increased stress and decreased productivity.
What areas of your life can be affected by anxious-avoidant attachment?
Besides relationships, you can experience anxious-avoidant attachment in any area of your life where you connect with something or someone, including:
Career - feeling overwhelmed and threatened by work emails and tasks, avoiding communication causing a build up of dread, and perpetuating the cycle of avoidance.
Hobbies - avoiding group activities or sports where you have to depend on others or feel exposed, and prioritizing solo activities.
Health/fitness - avoiding seeking help or support for mental or physical health issues, and prioritizing independence over receiving care from others.
Finance - feeling overwhelmed by your finances, believing that you are not good with money, or anxious about joint bank accounts or financial partnerships, avoiding discussing finances with partners.
The reason why there is a connection between our attachment strategies and these areas is because they also symbolize security (just like intimate relationships).
Adaptive coping techniques for anxious-avoidant responses
To break this pattern, it is crucial to adopt a two-pronged strategy. Firstly, it's important to work on reducing the fear response that triggers these avoidance behaviors. You can try some of the calming techniques we recommended in our Anxious Preoccupied article like practicing positive self-talk and peer support. Secondly, gentle action and setting achievable goals will help you overcome your avoidance behaviors.
Read on for the step-by-step break down:
Step 1: Practice self-honesty. Take an honest look at your behavior and recognise the specific patterns you tend to rely on. This is an essential step towards changing your attachment style.
Step 2: Practice self-compassion. It's important to be kind to yourself during this process. Shaming yourself will only make it harder to break free from your patterns of behavior.
Step 3: Feel your feelings. Acknowledge your feelings and try to understand what's driving your behavior. Reflect on what you are believing about the situation, and allow yourself to sit with the discomfort.
Step 4: Calm your nervous system. Anxious preoccupied attachment style can trigger a fight-or-flight response. To break free from this pattern of behavior, you need to calm your nervous system. Positive self-talk and peer support are great ways to help you achieve this. For example: ‘I don't have to do everything this red hot minute. I can do it bit by bit.’ Tell a friend what you have been avoiding and ask them to support you and hold you accountable. You can ask someone to sit with you while you confront a daunting task.
Step 5: Take small, gradual steps towards a desired outcome: Start by breaking down a larger task into smaller, more manageable steps. This helps to reduce the fear of failure or rejection, which often leads to avoidance behaviors. By taking small, gradual steps you can build confidence and momentum, making it easier to continue taking action.
Step 6: Set achievable goals: Setting goals that are too high will only increase your feelings of overwhelm and keep you stuck. On the other hand, setting achievable goals can create a sense of accomplishment and build confidence. For example: start by opening one work email a day, or replying to one whatsapp message a day. Or agree with yourself to work on your admin for 10 minutes, then take a break and see if you want to continue.
Ending on a serious note: As a clinical psychologist, I've witnessed the damaging impact of avoidance behavior on mental health. Avoiding challenges only leads to guilt, heightened fear, and a sense of being stuck in a never-ending cycle. It takes a toll on our relationships, career, and finances, preventing us from taking necessary action and making positive changes.
Our mental health community is dedicated to empowering people just like you, to strengthen their minds and develop resilience. Instead of avoiding challenges, we provide the tools and support to face them head-on with courage and confidence.
HOW:
Through mindset work
Fostering assertiveness skills
Setting healthy boundaries
Encouraging proactive steps towards goals
Cultivating the mental fortitude needed to navigate life's obstacles effectively.