4 Things You Must Know About Setting Boundaries:
Missed my Boundaries workshop?
Here are some of the key take-aways:
The topic of boundary setting can be a heavy one - that’s why I like to think of it as ‘boundary baggage’. Because it’s a weighty feeling when you don’t have boundaries in place, drawing a line where you most need it can offload the burden, and help you feel light enough to take flight with the big changes in your life.
We covered this topic in depth in my latest workshop - What’s your boundary baggage? (Aka “The Power of NO!”) and if you missed it, I have good news: you can still catch up with the on-demand video, and get your hands on the Boundary Breakthrough Guide, for less than the price of a t-shirt.
This session was packed with questions and engagement, so I’ll get straight into some of the details below. Discover the types of boundaries to know, what that familiar ‘freezing’ feeling is when a boundary is needed, and how having boundaries can be kind to yourself and others. Let’s get into unpacking this complex topic - and to go deeper into the subject, make sure you catch up by getting access to the recording.
What are boundaries?
In a recent post, I painted a picture of flying ‘Economy Class’ - a place where your physical boundaries are inevitably crossed, perhaps squashed in a middle seat, elbow to elbow with your neighbours, forced to endure loud noise and compact spaces. While you might not be able to change the configuration of plane seating, you could request that a neighbour moves their elbow a nudge to make room for yours. That’s setting a small physical boundary to give yourself a sense of relief. These boundaries can take many forms, but each boils down to this:
“A boundary is a declaration to yourself, where you clearly state what you will no longer accept.”
The 7 types of boundaries:
We’ve touched on physical boundaries, but there are mental boundaries, conversational boundaries and even material boundaries to consider. In the list below, you might recognise more than one space where you’d like to draw a line either with yourself or with others.
Mental boundaries:
The freedom to have your own thoughts, values and opinions
2. Emotional boundaries:
How emotionally available you are to others
3. Material boundaries:
Monetary decisions, giving or lending money to others
4. Internal boundaries:
Self-regulation - energy expended on yourself vs others
5. Conversational boundaries:
Topics you do/don’t feel comfortable discussing
6. Physical boundaries:
Privacy, personal space and your body
7. Time boundaries:
How much time you spend with someone or doing something
Consider how each of these might apply to your life, and for a solutions-focused Boundary Breakthrough Guide to support you in setting these boundaries, watch my workshop.
The flight, fright, freeze effect:
Responding to boundary crossing
During the workshop, one of my community members asked, ‘Is there a special way to get out of freeze mode when you are meant to act on a boundary?’
1. That freeze mode is an automatic response, like a reflex. It’s the second when someone asks to borrow money and you stop in your tracks - the only answer is yes. Or when someone crosses a line in a conversation, and you’re too stunned to speak.
2. The fight mode is when you respond aggressively to your boundaries being crossed, with anger and frustration. This may even elicit a physical manifestation of aggression against the boundary being crossed.
3. And the flight response is when you pull back from the other person - perhaps ending a relationship or becoming withdrawn.
These responses run even deeper than your subconscious thoughts, a topic I delved into in my Mindset course, which you can access here. In the Boundaries session, I explain that this reflex is so automatic, it’s almost primitive. That’s why boundary work isn’t just about setting external boundaries but internal ones too, giving you the structure, you need to build sustainable boundaries with others too.
Watch this session to identify where you need boundaries, and practice what to do when you get into that situation to work past that automatic behaviour. Doing this work creates space for other options so we don’t feel that urge to go with a knee-jerk response.
The power of no: boundaries and you
Let’s go back to my baggage analogy - the word no feels heavy, doesn’t it? It carries a lot of weight, and many of us find it hard to say no to those we value in our lives. Perhaps it’s a fear of judgment or rejection as one of the course attendees suggested. ‘It’s easier to give in and be liked/accepted,’ they said, and another member chimed in, ‘one must behave!’ There’s a sense of societal pressure that we all feel to accept things as they are. But how does that leave you feeling? Anxious, used, taken advantage of, drained…?
By unpacking the weight of these feelings and doing the work to understand where our boundaries lie, we actually learn more about ourselves - who we are and what we stand for. As I say in the session, it’s a meaningful exercise in knowing yourself and sharing that with other people. When we clearly communicate our boundaries, we don’t just empower ourselves, but the person on the other side of the boundary too, resulting in deeper connections and respect on both sides.
Hit that button so you can get onto this boundary journey with me in my dedicated workshop. And don’t forget to sign up for my newsletters to join the community below...